therustycupboard

  Well, it's been one year today...that hubby collapsed at Walmart. Yes, he had issues before this and doctor after doctor could not figure out what was wrong. was so stressful...than he just collapsed at Walmart and fell over on the cart in pain. We found out he had a large hernia extending out on his side...so then doctor after doctor until a surgeon could get him into surgery. Three emergency room trips with it coming out and each time getting bigger. But this brought about more symptoms on the other things that were going wrong. So, they finally sent us to Meridian and the neurologist knew exactly what we were facing. I have to say she was right as things have gone downhill pretty fast since that day. We are still seeing four different doctors and each one just shake their heads as they know our days are limited and there is nothing to change the course of these diseases... Yes, I know we are to rely on the reports of the Lord and not the report of man. But we are all h...

  Put hubby to work today...yard work. ..he did pretty good then i finished

  Working on Maizy Belle as much as I can I get tired pretty easy with this cold....but getting her ready to make her final trip to Wallowa Lake....this will be my last year to go camping there....our kids are not interested in camping there and it's getting to much for me to try to handle brent, the camper and truck....so going to make this year a special one and make memories...depending on the months ahead whether I will sell her or not....but I do know 4 hours one way to Wallowa is just to hard for me....so another Labor day at wallawa lake and then moving forward to the next chapter....just trying each day to keep my hand in the Master's hand....

  I worked today doing what I love to do...working with son in construction...it gets me out of the house, meeting new people and using my body...win win...and I also get paid. But tonight I want my hubby back. I know we are all told we can not live in the past....I need the past. I come home from work. Hubby has not answered his phone all day. Did not hear it ring. So I was worried about him. He never ate all day...not sure why....just was setting in his chair with no TV on...just setting. I come in and tell him about my day...about me being sick....about needing to fix dinner...about this is August and we have certain things we need to do in August....such as order fuel for the furnace etc.... And then I get upset....he is just setting there not saying anything....then he goes and puts his shoes on....I say what are you doing...getting ready to go with you....no I am not going anywhere....then I get a virtual slap....he hadn't understood a word I said. no reasoning nothin...

  If you know anything about LBD you know that REM sleep disorders and hallucinations are all part of it....hubby hasn't had a problem with hallucinations but he has had REM sleep disorders......he has had dreams where he is fighting off animals or people trying to hurt the grandkids.........or he tries to run away from different situations........this is where he will fight the air, the bed, the chair, swinging his arms and legs and sometimes....gets me.....but all in his sleep.......he is on meds for this so it is so much better.......but lately he has been having dreams that are different........he is enjoying his dreams....he dreams about being a little boy, about his early years of semi-truck driving, church services as a child, him setting down and preaching to young people on the streets.....dreams he is loving and tells me all the details......he is so happy telling me these stories.....these are good times.....I got us drinks from the drive threw and took us down to hells ...

  Now I am not complaining ...just saying........so hard to stay upbeat.......I worked today for about 7 hours....hubby was with us for about 3.5 hours just to get out of the house and watch what was being done...but with the heat and all he wanted to go home....so I took him home so he could be in the AC and rest.....now tonight.........the knee is better but the foot is bad.....hurts and hard to walk.....mercy......no end to this stuff....so will talk with kids and see what is the next point of action to take.....he is not feeling good and I am exhausted....LIFE....

  We were on our way to the hospital at 3:30 am...the other morning...getting hubby into the car and him not able to bend his knee was an ordeal...I finally got him in and he looks at me and says "I think the Lord is preparing me to take me home to Heaven".....I said "what" ....no way it's just your knee.......he looks at me and says "no I mean everything" and then he turns and doesn't say anymore......tell me how do you deal with that.......what rushes to your mind is all the ways he has gone downhill.......all the confusion....doing things crazy...all the times of aggression...anger...and then I think about all the grandkids...fun......moments of tenderness and goodness.......and I tell him "well, if you go I want to go too".....you can't leave me here alone....50+ years........we are in this together........

  Hubby is going on day three of a bad leg....pretty painful...called doctors and they say just give him Tylenol...also talked with others on the group chat for this disease and their hubbies have had the same problem....not much can be done other than give a different med and they all say it just caused other problems.....so for now hubby rests in his recliner and tries to hobble to the bathroom when needed....brought his rollator in but he can't use it much in the house ...to many things around....plus grandkids are playing and he enjoys watching them play.....we will eventually have to move to a one level....I have stairs everywhere...2 steps up to family room....2 steps on the other side to kitchen.......then family room, bathroom, kitchen and bedrooms are all on one level......oh well....we just keep moving forward......no fever, no redness on knee, knee is not hot, knee is a little swollen but hurts behind the knee and up back of leg.....

  Ok...I am not so emotional today. This disease is hard. For two weeks we were doing so good almost to the point that I sometimes forgot it was there. This week. I have been slapped around. Not by someone but by issues. This disease is an emotional one...ups and downs. Today hubby is angry. Angry about everything and everyone. His leg is bad and he is experiencing the rigidity of the Parkinson disease. Real stiff walk...can't bend knee. So he is angry. He can't walk but I wanted to run to the store to get out of the house and he wanted to go....was angry because I said "no". I want to go alone. Alone...does not exist anymore.....I am not sure which would be worse....hubby passing away suddenly or me watching him pass away little by little. Things changing little by little. Yes, this is a hard disease....and when it's your hubby...it is right in your face all the time. Good thing most of the time hubby doesn't even know anything's wrong. ...

  f you are having a bad day today call or text me and we can cry together....not feeling good and everything makes me cry......yes..I know so you don't have to tell me....I AM A BIG BABY.....but right now...this girl doesn't care.........ok I am better ...back to life and thanks for listening....( please don't stop by as I can only wear a few clothes today...just saying)

  Hubby trying so hard to be normal..and then his body shuts down...such a mean cruel disease...everyday is different...up and down...I am trying so hard to just except it and work with it....but to be honest...I hate it...